When the anger spiral hits: How to reconnect instead of escalate

Do you yell while your partner shuts down?
Or do you both spiral into a storm of anger and intensity?

Here’s the thing: anger often masks fear.
Fear of not being heard. Of not being safe. Of losing connection.

It’s not about who’s “too much” or who’s “too cold.”
It’s about what helps you come back to connection.

The challenge of noticing the spiral

Working on these dynamics is hard.
Often, we get to the point where we notice “it” is happening again—but we don’t know how to stop it.
It can feel like watching an accident unfold in slow motion, knowing where it's heading but not knowing how to steer away.

So what can you try in those moments—especially when words aren’t helping?

Two (weird but powerful) tools to interrupt the spiral

If even one of you notices what’s happening, that awareness is a huge first step. From there, try one of these two practices:

✨ Touch each other—hold hands or place a hand on your partner’s arm. Even if it feels awkward or if a part of you would genuinely prefer to walk away (or scream). This sends a signal to your nervous system: you’re not alone.

✨ Lie down on your back—yes, really. It’s hard to stay in full-blown fight mode when your body is grounded. This posture can help regulate your nervous system and shift the energy.

These aren’t magic tricks. They’re nervous system resets.
Tiny ways of saying: We’re in this together. We’re safe. Even now.

When emotions run high and words fail, our bodies can become the bridge to the connection we’re craving—even if we’re not ready to rebuild it with language just yet.

Fighting isn’t the problem—disconnection is

Personally, I believe that conflict—even loud, intense, messy conflict—is part of any healthy relationship. The goal isn’t to never fight.
The goal is to fight well.

What matters most is how we come back together afterward.
How we repair.
How we remind each other: We’re still on the same team.

Strong emotions are part of the human experience. Caring deeply for someone also means risking loss, and that can bring up fear, anger, sadness, and more. So yes, people get angry. That in itself is not the issue.

But when anger turns into intentional hurt, that’s when it can leave lasting scars. Still, even this can be repaired—if we take responsibility, clarify our intention, and do the work.

What causes real damage is when hurtful things are said... and then never acknowledged. When everything is swept under the rug as if it never happened.

Bu the repair work comes after we’ve build that first bridge.
Before repair we need to regulate.
We need to find our way back into connection—emotionally or physically—so that our brains and hearts are able to meet again.

Sometimes, physical touch or lying down can be powerful ways to begin that shift.
Other times, getting some physical space is exactly what’s needed to de-escalate.

But here’s the nuance:
If your partner or friend has a core wound around abandonment, walking away—even briefly—can feel devastating. In those moments, even a small physical reconnection might be the best first step.

If you truly need to step out, communicate clearly:

“I’m not leaving you. I love you. I’m angry, and I need a moment. But I will be back to reconnect.”

This kind of clarity can help calm your partner’s anxiety, even if the emotions are still raw.

You're allowed to be human

You're a human being.
You feel deeply.
You make mistakes.
And you can take responsibility and repair.

No one does this perfectly.
But connection is always something we can return to—if we choose it.

Have you tried something like this?
Or are you curious to give it a go?
Let me know—I’d love to hear your thoughts.